Fuck and Love.
Why is it so farking hard to just be in love these days? It's all about rules and what you should say, whats appropriate to say and whats better left unsaid. But what if all I want to do is say it? Is it because if I do say it, it makes everything suddenly "real" and something we have to "deal" with? I mean, why can't we just say what we want to say without having to think of all these consequences. It's not like I want to say something unkind or speak words of a dark plot I've been concocting to take down the government in an attempt to take over the world. I'm not revealing the secrets of military intelligence or making a defamatory pass at the prime minister. All I want to say, is that...I love you.
Yes, I estimate I've said the L word about 2000 times in my life time, ranging from family to girl friends to boyfriends and many (many) times when I'm drunk. But it's now been at least a year and a half since I've said it to a boyfriend and actually meant it. Does it mean I'm not capable of love? No. It just means that I'm not ready to say it to someone because thats when it gets complicated. Without the L word, there's no commitment, it's black and white and just lots of sex in between. But once that L word comes out, it's almost like there's no going back and the only way is to move forward and pursue the relationship. Why else would you say you love someone if you're not seeking to unite in a comfortable nest of companionship? When you've shared your love card, it's only natural to want to just put down your game cards and just take a long walk on the beach, cuddle up to movies, get take out and make love all night. Who wants to play cards when you could be having sex? No one.
Call me a foresighted, a psychic or perhaps just a woman but I know for a fact that if I play my love card with you now, it's just going to sit there unmatched. There really are few things that are worse than that moment your heart sinks realizing that you've prematurely kicked yourself out of the round. It's all good if you can buy in again, but now the odds are uneven because you've revealed your game plan and he now has the upper hand. He knows you've got the potential to crumble at his feet and all it'll take is a couple of sugar coated words that'll melt to you till the card just slips out of your hand again and thats when it all comes crashing down. Game farking Over.
