You once walked the halls of my home, bringing the sunlight and casting away the shadows that lurked. You drew the curtains and the world poured in and like a damn breaking it washed away my hibernating den. I felt free, not just any kind of free but a with a layer of power that was radiating my feelings, making me feel slightly invincible. Like tossing an apple confidently up and down needing nothing more that my grip, I knew the ball was in my court. But why does it always have to be that way? Knowing that you've got someone at their knees is such a great feeling. Before you stop reading and start judging my choice of words, - reflect.
It wasn't until I reached super-charge that I realized it was amazing to know that I have the potential to unleash a hazardous spell with just a few swift 'magic' codes on the controls. Now it'd be great if I actually knew which buttons to press in perfect sequence to commit ultimate damage. But perhaps that's why I never bothered to pause the game and check the control page. Is it because I'm impatient? Or am I subconsciously oblivious? Either way, until you've lost battle after a battle you're not going to learn your lesson. Take a step back, observe the masters and ask as many questions as you can but take only what you need young jedi for everyones journey starts and ends differently. Souly relying on the correct keys will not ensure your safe crossing nor will it guarantee your success to the other side (where the grass is greener - or so they say).
For no one learns to swim before they get into the water, it's just one of those things that you learn on the job.
Sometimes I do wonder what it'd be like to have all the tactics preloaded, shielding my path before I start the journey. Though I must say the ups and downs have been quite the roller coaster and I have been completely addicted to it, so why do I feel so repulsed by it now? Alright, perhaps the word repulsed is a little strong but it's the first word that came to mind. I mean, I've been smoking for 10 years, I've had my moments where I've wanted to quit, tried to quit and been "on a break" (mind you it lasted only a day or two) but with "the game" I've only just learned to play and already I feel like there's no trophy at the end of the level. Will I save Peach this time around? Will she run down from the castle as herself or just hop away as toggled troll? Because love seems so scarce these days, and if I know that it's not going to be till level 86 that I get to save the real her then why bother trying so damn hard now? Perhaps I just answered my own question and made a giant u-turn on my own opinion but here we are - the balance of thought. The ability to question and carve away at the one-way street, wandering off path in search of new light to shine on this very gray area.
Coming back to reality (reality - an even longer never-ending story that I'll never get around to) do I feel slightly love drained without the urge to fill up my cup because I know that it's just not going to happen any time soon? Or is it because I don't want to feel the emptiness of the day after tomorrow?
It's always the day after tomorrow when emptiness starts to crawl out from whats staring you in the face - rejection. Ouch. Just the word itself is painful to write, painful to read and definitely not easy on the eyes. I don't want to feel like I've worked so hard at a level, ran so far down a path only to find that it's a dead end. Not only do I have to walk with my tail between my legs all the way home but I have to face my "I told you so" self that chose to stay behind as it watched me walk the plank. Once again, you were right as I ran off hand in hand with denial on a one way ticket to heartbreak. It cost me a lot to get home, I lost my soul on the way not to mention I was robbed of my dignity.
Peach is fucked.
...for now.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
sweet calories
The sweetest love is love that never sees the clouds of a grim day or the chilly winter breeze or...the end.
Relationships that come into your life so fast you don't know what hit you and you just start tumbling in such a graceful way. You think you're in control but like a leaf dancing aimlessly in the summer breeze, so calm and pristine but the truth is, it only lasts as long and as far as the wind will take it. Like you.
I've met you many times, in many forms and each time you're different but you always leave the same after taste. Sweet and soft, making each bite seem so guilty yet so innocuous. Nothing this good could be so sinful, right? Denial has a way of poisoning our comprehension of the truth, blurring our vision of the reality that haunts our hopes and tramples on our dreams.
I wish we'd had time to ride all the way to our usual end, or do I? Can you ever put down the fork and leave such a delicious dessert to go to waste? I know I can't. I'm greedy that way. I'd rather stuff my face than let it go to waste. Have I taken this into my relationships? Unless the waiter comes to prematurely take my plate away I'd continue eating till it made me sick enough to just want walk away. And we all know, taking it with you never tastes as good, especially if away is a flight and a couple of transits. So why do i still crave you? You're nothing but dead weight, clogging my arteries.
We always want what we can't have and perhaps the destiny of your name on the menu is just a reminder of what a top seller you were, to reminisce on the sweetness of your mouth to the touch of your finger tips as they strum against my thigh. Like an invisible beat that can only be heard when the sync of our hearts are in tune. The smiles you'd shoot my way, a glance into my soul that made my heart pump just that little bit faster. An accomplishment on any level, do I really want to start a diet?
Relationships that come into your life so fast you don't know what hit you and you just start tumbling in such a graceful way. You think you're in control but like a leaf dancing aimlessly in the summer breeze, so calm and pristine but the truth is, it only lasts as long and as far as the wind will take it. Like you.
I've met you many times, in many forms and each time you're different but you always leave the same after taste. Sweet and soft, making each bite seem so guilty yet so innocuous. Nothing this good could be so sinful, right? Denial has a way of poisoning our comprehension of the truth, blurring our vision of the reality that haunts our hopes and tramples on our dreams.
I wish we'd had time to ride all the way to our usual end, or do I? Can you ever put down the fork and leave such a delicious dessert to go to waste? I know I can't. I'm greedy that way. I'd rather stuff my face than let it go to waste. Have I taken this into my relationships? Unless the waiter comes to prematurely take my plate away I'd continue eating till it made me sick enough to just want walk away. And we all know, taking it with you never tastes as good, especially if away is a flight and a couple of transits. So why do i still crave you? You're nothing but dead weight, clogging my arteries.
We always want what we can't have and perhaps the destiny of your name on the menu is just a reminder of what a top seller you were, to reminisce on the sweetness of your mouth to the touch of your finger tips as they strum against my thigh. Like an invisible beat that can only be heard when the sync of our hearts are in tune. The smiles you'd shoot my way, a glance into my soul that made my heart pump just that little bit faster. An accomplishment on any level, do I really want to start a diet?
Monday, July 19, 2010
home is where the heart is?
Home is like love.
A word that rolls off your tongue with ease when ever it feels right? Perhaps when I was 14, possibly even when I was 18. Who am I kidding? It wasn't until I said goodbye to Love that I understood it's value. Isn't that just typical? Learning it the hard way or in my case a very fortune way. I wasn't the one to bid farewell just out of the blue one fine morning, but today I stand here uncertain if I could open my heart out of cowardly fear that I'll be blinded by fatal attraction. There is a reason why it's called fatal and not safe attraction. But with that said...it could just be I haven't met the right person, but really...how can you meet anyone when you're never in one place long enough to sew the seeds, water the garden and harvest the fruit? These days I seem to get all my groceries in disposable plastic bags...sometimes I recycle them and then I have a couple of my favorite eco bags. I'm just not rooted enough to know what I should be using instead of recyclables. It seems that everything I want is geographically out of reach and as I'm yet to learn how to bend time and space, as it seems that isn't on my or anyone's side.
As the saying goes "Home is where the heart is". I think as long as you can be selfish and keep your heart close enough, then you'll never feel like you want to be anywhere else but where you are right now.
Think of all the times you had plans to stay somewhere for the night, be it a friends house, your girlfriends house - in your city, when you were visiting, when you were on holiday, when you were in a foreign country or even when you were just staying over for fun...how many times have you referred to that place as "home". "Let's just go home..." "I wonder what time your brother is coming home..." "What time are we going back home?" Today, while I was in the heart of the Japanese countryside camping with my colleagues and students who have become my dear friends that it struck me how loosely we use the word home.
It was very early in the morning and I was sitting on a chopped log talking to one of my friends, we were waiting for everyone so we could check out of our 10 person cabin, there were 18 of us but as we looked around we noticed that there was no one to be seen. "I wonder where the boys are...Perhaps they went to set up the somen stand for the barbecue " I said. She nodded in agreement and said "Yeah, but I think they'll come home first". And just as the morning sunlight warms my cheeks, a calming and illuminated conclusion over came my entire self. One that's so obvious, but so transparent that we oh so often miss the true essence behind the saying. That "Home (truly) is where the heart is".
In that very moment it was like an awakening of the soul, perhaps I'd just leveled up my character and I can now move on to a new era in my adult life. I am alone in this world. Before you start thinking that it's such a sad thing to say, it's really not. I say it with sincere independence and pivotal sensibility. These last few weeks have been me transitioning into my adult life, no more safety net, no one to question where I'm going and what time I'll be home. Regardless who you live with it's always courtesy to inform the other of your whereabouts, be it your mother, housemate, partner etc because you live with them or you have an obligation to them.
Right now, my life is in my hands and I can feel it just thriving with energy. I'm at the beginning, the start...this is it...everything before was just foreplay, a build up of intense trial and error and now where I go is really up to me. If only words could paint a smile of how sparkly my heart feels right now, the rush of blood in my veins have never sent such positive vibes to my thoughtbox about being "alone".
But you know what? I'm never really alone because I always have the most comfortable place in the world, the one place that makes you feel safe, welcome and warm with me all the time - home. It truly is where my heart is and it's right here beating.
Now doesn't that sound awfully similar to love? I don't really remember.
A word that rolls off your tongue with ease when ever it feels right? Perhaps when I was 14, possibly even when I was 18. Who am I kidding? It wasn't until I said goodbye to Love that I understood it's value. Isn't that just typical? Learning it the hard way or in my case a very fortune way. I wasn't the one to bid farewell just out of the blue one fine morning, but today I stand here uncertain if I could open my heart out of cowardly fear that I'll be blinded by fatal attraction. There is a reason why it's called fatal and not safe attraction. But with that said...it could just be I haven't met the right person, but really...how can you meet anyone when you're never in one place long enough to sew the seeds, water the garden and harvest the fruit? These days I seem to get all my groceries in disposable plastic bags...sometimes I recycle them and then I have a couple of my favorite eco bags. I'm just not rooted enough to know what I should be using instead of recyclables. It seems that everything I want is geographically out of reach and as I'm yet to learn how to bend time and space, as it seems that isn't on my or anyone's side.
As the saying goes "Home is where the heart is". I think as long as you can be selfish and keep your heart close enough, then you'll never feel like you want to be anywhere else but where you are right now.
Think of all the times you had plans to stay somewhere for the night, be it a friends house, your girlfriends house - in your city, when you were visiting, when you were on holiday, when you were in a foreign country or even when you were just staying over for fun...how many times have you referred to that place as "home". "Let's just go home..." "I wonder what time your brother is coming home..." "What time are we going back home?" Today, while I was in the heart of the Japanese countryside camping with my colleagues and students who have become my dear friends that it struck me how loosely we use the word home.
It was very early in the morning and I was sitting on a chopped log talking to one of my friends, we were waiting for everyone so we could check out of our 10 person cabin, there were 18 of us but as we looked around we noticed that there was no one to be seen. "I wonder where the boys are...Perhaps they went to set up the somen stand for the barbecue " I said. She nodded in agreement and said "Yeah, but I think they'll come home first". And just as the morning sunlight warms my cheeks, a calming and illuminated conclusion over came my entire self. One that's so obvious, but so transparent that we oh so often miss the true essence behind the saying. That "Home (truly) is where the heart is".
In that very moment it was like an awakening of the soul, perhaps I'd just leveled up my character and I can now move on to a new era in my adult life. I am alone in this world. Before you start thinking that it's such a sad thing to say, it's really not. I say it with sincere independence and pivotal sensibility. These last few weeks have been me transitioning into my adult life, no more safety net, no one to question where I'm going and what time I'll be home. Regardless who you live with it's always courtesy to inform the other of your whereabouts, be it your mother, housemate, partner etc because you live with them or you have an obligation to them.
Right now, my life is in my hands and I can feel it just thriving with energy. I'm at the beginning, the start...this is it...everything before was just foreplay, a build up of intense trial and error and now where I go is really up to me. If only words could paint a smile of how sparkly my heart feels right now, the rush of blood in my veins have never sent such positive vibes to my thoughtbox about being "alone".
But you know what? I'm never really alone because I always have the most comfortable place in the world, the one place that makes you feel safe, welcome and warm with me all the time - home. It truly is where my heart is and it's right here beating.
Now doesn't that sound awfully similar to love? I don't really remember.
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