Letting go isn't a one-time thing, it's something you have to do everyday, over and over again.
..it's so fucking true.
I find myself wondering off into the dark side of my heart. like the forbidden woods that everyone warns you to never enter.
it's a dangerous place, filled with all the monsters of your adult life and your past that lurks the damp, cold and icy banks of your forgotten memory. memories that are better lost in time. sometimes i catch myself wondering into those woods and walking along the shore, just thinking about my past, searching for some solace in knowing i've come far since then.
it's been particularly hard these past few months, ever since Adams grandmother died, everything just went down hill from there. Talk about not being the least fated.
First his grandmother dies, then he finds out he needs to start looking for other jobs because his will soon become redundant then his ex girlfriend comes back to confess her stupidity and love for him. While all along i'm just sitting here dreaming about the day he'll sweep me off my feet and take me away and marry me.
what the fuck was i thinking?
no.
seriously...
what the fuck was i thinking?
i know i'm all for love and the Heart tattoo behind my ear reminds me all the time of it too. I can't physically feel it or see it - you know, because it's behind my ear? but I know that it's always there - like love. and love is such a warm feeling of hope and it takes you so high above the clouds, while you look down and see all the sad lonely people eating dinner alone and all you can think about is how lucky you are to be in love. actually that's only half true because for the first couple of months you're so in love and obsessed with each other that you don't even make it out of the house to see anyone. you just roll around in bed all day, naked. having sex, cooking breakfast, talking, sharing music, talking, having sex again and again.
i am a fan of love, and all the waste of time it brings with it but according to the book of life - nothing lasts forever. and there comes a time when saying goodbye is inevitable, like when he tells you he still loves his ex girlfriend - a.k.a the love of his life.
yeah, at 23...the love of his life? ahhh i'm not so sure he knows what he's talking about but then again at 23...i'm sure she's one of the only few women he's ever loved if not the only. so to him, she. is. everything. and you know what? i just can't compete with that.
so when he so boldly blurted out that the love of his life had come back to him and that it would just be a disaster for me to visit over christmas I simply responded "Okay. I think that's the right decision." I bowed out gracefully and even gave him my best wishes of rekindling something with his ex.
did i feel like i'd just been hit by and truck and subsequently dragged along a gravel road? yes. did i feel like i'd lost such a big part of my dreams and hopes? yes. did i feel like i'd no direction and that i was heading for a breakdown? no.
because if there's one thing i've learned, it's that love is letting go and sometimes it's the only thing you can you to keep yourself breathing. because whether i like it or not, with or without him - my life is going to go on.
i know i sound fairly at peace with it, but for anyone whose ever had to feel it, it's like giving away a piece of your soul and having someone stab you in the heart over and over again. but it gets easier. if letting go is something you have to do everyday then each day that i'm letting go is one day closer to having given it all away. and thats what i'm working towards, a day when i can say that it's all gone and this aint no department store as i will not be accepting a refund.
it's totally over.
my girlfriend told me that just because he's the one for me, according to me, it doesn't mean we're meant to be because obviously by the way he's treated me, i'm not the one for him - making it pretty farking obvious that it's NOT a match made in heaven but because i'm so farking stubborn i refuse to see what it's right in front of me - a game.
blablablaaaaaa.
