Bury it

Scrolling through old photos of my time in Japan, a period in my life that I'd sealed off is just short of unforgivable torture.

To understand, I must tell you what happened.

But to tell you what happened, means that I need to hear it too.  And that's something I've been avoiding for too long.

....I thought I was invincible.

No. Seriously, I could do anything! - As long as I set my mind to it. When I lost my way as a young adult, I decided to wander around Eastern Europe - by myself.

...It only fueled my confidence, which kept my entire universe, real.

So when I didn't know what to do next and the opportunity to go to Japan came - I took it. I took it without a single hesitation, knowing the language or any clue of what Japan was (really) like. All I knew was it was going to be SO COOL to work in Japan, I thought.

Every time I try to talk to myself, the self that still hiding deep under the bed, I fail. It's really easy to console, guide, advise, even criticize someone else but it's really difficult to do the same for yourself.

I got to know myself pretty well back when we traveled together. We never used to talk much before. I must sound a little off to you, but if you've ever spent days without engaging in any real exchanges with other humans and only getting to know your real self then you'll know what I'm talking about.

So when I said lets go on this AWESOME adventure to work in Japan for 2 years, guess who was my biggest supporter? Yup, myself. Because really, I was a 22 years young, independent, brave, adventurous and eager to add another one to the list.

But, Japan changed me. In ways that started on the outside but seeped in through the cracks until it festered a dark cloud inside my heart. That cloud didn't just pass by, it started hanging out. Before I knew it, I had a lingering problem that had moved in. 

The entire ordeal lasted about 8 months before I went home. Freed from a contract that had me bound because of money. Money forced me to stay in a situation where I was drowning. My clothes started to hang and my face was never cheerful. I slept every single second that I could steal, day or night. There was nothing else I wanted to do but sleep. Sleep forever.

Did I want to die? Didn't cross my mind. Did I want to move home, live with my mum forever and detach from society? Yes.

When I finally did come home, I closed the book on Japan. Too painful to bare with, because unlike a physical wound, I can't like put some medication on it and hope that it'll all go away.

It's forced that side of me that I'd gotten to know so well in to the darkest corners of my mind and all I've been left with is this shell and heart.

I think I better stop here. For now.

It's been so long since I've written.

The last three years were really difficult. But for the most of it, I guess I wasn't really here. I don't know why but I feel like I'm always rushing.

...to the finish line.

The minute I start anything, I want it to be over. It's almost like I don't know how to really enjoy the moment.


(long pause)


(no. ....really.)

See. I just tend to fizzle off my train of thought and move on to something else. Perhaps I feel that if I write it out and see it then I'll actually process it like proper information.

See it for what it really is.

My life that is.

Sometimes I feel like my mind controls my body. While the little girl in me, who never grew up...

...is now realizing she has to start growing up.









Now I feel like what I'm writing is rubbish. Because it's oh so boo hoo hoo.

So now I'm alright again.

What was wrong with me before? Well. I was teary. and emotional. and feeling really kinda useless.

but now i'm feeling quite the opposite. like i'm quite embarrassed.

anyway.

i think i'm gonna end this here. because it's really weird.

collection day

Every time I leave a place where I lived and loved, I leave a piece of my heart behind.

Hmm.

...I'll be needing those pieces back right about now thank you. 

available in: melbourne.istanbul.vienna.nagoya.penang.

Sum 1

I've never had problems meeting guys. There's always been someone knocking on my door. I don't say this condescendingly. I just happen to be fortunate looking. At least I use to believe I was. In my old life.

Ever since I hit an emotional wall and locked up my inner self, I've been dealing with my day to day life on auto pilot. It's like I'm hollow inside and I really don't have that many positive feelings anymore. My reactions are a combination of instant reflex and years of personality that my mind and body work hard together to cover for Me. I constantly feel gloomy and my forehead always weighs down over my face. The constant worry of worrying about worrying.

It's brought me down, and it's physically making me older. It almost feels like I'm giving up mind body and soul, but my conscience has me on a drip. Giving me just enough to keep getting through the days. Please, be fooled by how well I keep it tucked under the carpet. I'm often impressed myself.

What am I going to do with myself? Where is this life going? Why is my body changing? ...Why is my mind turning against me?

Mirror, why are you showing me such ugliness? Mind, why are you so cruel? Heart, where the fuck are you?

So the knocking at my doors continue, but these days they aren't knocking so frequently. And I always peep through the hole to see who it is. I don't let anyone into my Heart anymore. Since the last guest threw shit all over the walls by ending love ...when love was suppose to stay. I haven't had time to clean up the mess. I haven't had time to redecorate. I've spent too much time on keeping everyone else out.

I don't open the doors anymore, because he who stands on the other side of the door, is on the other side of the door for a reason. I wish love would find a way to grow again in my heart. But love requires so much attention, trust, dedication, sacrifice, time, loyalty, sincerity. So many positive things! And I have non of those, they all escaped when the realized Heart had stopped being cozy and warm. When Heart started deteriorating.

Sum = 1.

25/female/stuck

It was about 6 years ago when I first asked, What Is Love?

Here at 25, I would like to think I'd have at least made some head way. But truth be told, I've never been more uncertain. I've never been so confused about what it means.

While couples around me are hooking up, shacking up, tying knots and popping out little humans - I'm left questioning my single existence. I see them and all I feel is the eagerness to get on the bus and move on towards destination Domesticated. 

Some marry for money, some for comfort, some for their years of companionship, others for family, a growing number for surprise pregnancies, a handful for (in the moment) love and a tiny percentage for true love. But who am I to judge who's love is true, real or genuine that will survive the ups and downs of this life? 

I want to know that someone wants to love me till my dying day - even though I know the chances of that happening aren't in my favor - being 25. I want children that are my own, to give all my love to them  - because I have so, so much to give. But, I don't even have a boyfriend. 

'Don't worry' my friends tell me, 'you'll find someone in time'.

Only Time can prove the pros or cons of our investments and everything we consider dear. And since Time is both my ally and enemy, it's hard for me to just depend on Time as my way of measuring My Life. Yet I feel it knocking at my door every other day like a desperate salesman. He just wont leave me alone because with him he brings Insecurity, Ticking-Ovaries, Growing-Old and Loneliness. So I let them hang out in the living room of my mind and we have long chats together before Youth turns up and gets them all to leave - for today. But I know they'll be back soon enough and that I can't depend Youth, because thats definitely not forever.

My struggle with all these guests are that they're never going to go away and Youth is already getting weaker by the months. I've already dragged Youth around with a backpack to many a places and it's tired. It wants Heart to find Love and walk me down the isle and say goodbye. Setting me off in directions of different kinds of adventures closer to home. Home - is where the heart is. And if Heart is totally MIA, then how can I know where home is?

Do you understand what I'm saying?

....me neither.


Now, do you understand why I'm so confused? 

tides

Like a receeding tide, my bare soul lays exposed for all to see.

I'm embarrassed. Ashamed. Of all the sands of my time that I can't conceal or protect.

Instead, I find sanction in the deep seas of the ocean where no one dare explore.

As I hibernate beneath the blankets of time, I can do nothing but wait.

For they say time heals all, but when the ocean bed has been striped so bare of all it's beauty, how can it ever be the same again?

What will become of me.

No one knows, not even I.

what if i don't want to get over you?