The road is never ending and the journey is long. But sooner or later I'm going to reach a town that I like, a city that's bigger than life or a village that's cozy enough for my imagination. But your eyes can only see so far ahead and the beyond is unknown. That tar road before me is paved out, it's guided, it's my yellow brick road. But even Alice had a destination, a place she desperately wanted to reach. But what's more important to you? How fast you get there? Or the means which it took you to get there?
The people she met throughout her journey were the reason we loved watching her find her way through the forest.
It's the reason I continue picking up hitchhikers without fear of danger or the pain they could bring because it's the risk I take for the rush of joy. There's just a gush of energy that comes with a shared passion for life. If you're not out there living it, how will you ever arrive anywhere deemed worthy enough for living?Building a life?
One day when my my bones are weak, limbs lame, my eyes blurry and my hearing impaired all I will have are my memories. Ingrained in my strongest gift, my ability of thought, the library of my past, banks of imaginations and capsule of life...all I will have to pack in a suitcase with my soul will be my memories. Should I not pack as much as I can now? Because from experience I've learned that the only thing that easy about packing last minute is that it's unprepared and usually missing my toothbrush. I end up having to settle for one my teeth aren't particularly fond of. And in my last years of light I'd prefer to be comfortable than wonder everyday of "what if's....what could have's....what should have's" and where is my toothbrush.
So although driving in the dark isn't for everyone, at least once a day we have to and it's only if you have faith that the road will take you where you want to go will you tread with 20percent caution and 80percent confidence.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Chapter Shanghai
Everytime I'm down, everytime you're down....I reflect.
Reflect on what this is, reflect on what this isn't and what it will never be.
Isn't it ironic how it's always the cuts that hurt more than the joy that happiness brings? Is there a predisposition to how we measure the highs and lows? Or does the mind, the heart just react and feel differently towards the ultimate's of both ends of the ruler? How we feel the lows that it evokes a deeper sense of need to release a river, a track...a cookie trail of pain. Hoping someone will find us lost in the deep dark wood, bringing light to our long all-day nights. Or perhaps so that no one walks down the same path feeling the solitary breeze of emptiness?
I'm in the woods but I don't want a torch light, I don't want anyone to find me, I want to walk this journey alone.
My mind awakens from the daydream I'm so dazed in. She asks...why So dramatic? So personal? ....So emotional?
In defence, my much weaker heart replies, I merely write what pumps through my veins, what you know and what the mouth can't word.
It happens all the time, a conversation without words, but a flow of thick and thin, right and wrong, up and down, defense and acceptance, life and learn ....love and loss.
Today my ache is for a soul that I've found and will lose only too soon.
He's a strong part of the pieces I've met along the way...perhaps one of the biggest pieces of me that I've found. At a time in his life where he needed no one, where all he really needed was to be alone. Suffering from the loss of a love he ached from, I was just here to brighten his days. He could have done it without me, but could I have done it without him? The answer is, yes. We both could have done without each other...but would we have wanted to?
Sometimes it's better to have someone, than to have no one. In this case, we found temporary happiness in each other that will remain nestled in my heart and in my warm memories for a long time to come. To draw on during cold times, under rainy skies and when the winter seems too unbearable to face empty hearted.
He probably doesn't know the extend of the part he's played in my life. He's shown me a side of myself that I really didn't think was strong enough to ever surface to a distinct trait that I actually believe is there now.
I've learned that the sea of love is rough and dangerous, but it can also be calm and safe - if you're a fish. There are undercurrents that pull us under before we can take a last breath. Catching you off guard and dragging you to the bottom of the ocean bed. There are sharks that will have no mercy for your hooked scars or weak fins. But then there are also calm motions of weightlessness that will carry you to a coral garden more beautiful that anything you could ever describe. And sometimes, if you just submit yourself to the waves...it might take you somewhere you could only dream of in a dream your imagination could never even begin to concoct.
Be open to the unknown, like pluto and like my found&lost soul says - it's only when you know that you know nothing that you actually know something.
Reflect on what this is, reflect on what this isn't and what it will never be.
Isn't it ironic how it's always the cuts that hurt more than the joy that happiness brings? Is there a predisposition to how we measure the highs and lows? Or does the mind, the heart just react and feel differently towards the ultimate's of both ends of the ruler? How we feel the lows that it evokes a deeper sense of need to release a river, a track...a cookie trail of pain. Hoping someone will find us lost in the deep dark wood, bringing light to our long all-day nights. Or perhaps so that no one walks down the same path feeling the solitary breeze of emptiness?
I'm in the woods but I don't want a torch light, I don't want anyone to find me, I want to walk this journey alone.
My mind awakens from the daydream I'm so dazed in. She asks...why So dramatic? So personal? ....So emotional?
In defence, my much weaker heart replies, I merely write what pumps through my veins, what you know and what the mouth can't word.
It happens all the time, a conversation without words, but a flow of thick and thin, right and wrong, up and down, defense and acceptance, life and learn ....love and loss.
Today my ache is for a soul that I've found and will lose only too soon.
He's a strong part of the pieces I've met along the way...perhaps one of the biggest pieces of me that I've found. At a time in his life where he needed no one, where all he really needed was to be alone. Suffering from the loss of a love he ached from, I was just here to brighten his days. He could have done it without me, but could I have done it without him? The answer is, yes. We both could have done without each other...but would we have wanted to?
Sometimes it's better to have someone, than to have no one. In this case, we found temporary happiness in each other that will remain nestled in my heart and in my warm memories for a long time to come. To draw on during cold times, under rainy skies and when the winter seems too unbearable to face empty hearted.
He probably doesn't know the extend of the part he's played in my life. He's shown me a side of myself that I really didn't think was strong enough to ever surface to a distinct trait that I actually believe is there now.
I've learned that the sea of love is rough and dangerous, but it can also be calm and safe - if you're a fish. There are undercurrents that pull us under before we can take a last breath. Catching you off guard and dragging you to the bottom of the ocean bed. There are sharks that will have no mercy for your hooked scars or weak fins. But then there are also calm motions of weightlessness that will carry you to a coral garden more beautiful that anything you could ever describe. And sometimes, if you just submit yourself to the waves...it might take you somewhere you could only dream of in a dream your imagination could never even begin to concoct.
Be open to the unknown, like pluto and like my found&lost soul says - it's only when you know that you know nothing that you actually know something.
The course of life isn't one that you can just wake up late to, or not turn up. I didn't willingly enroll nor did I have to sit an entry exam to qualify for this position. Or did I? Thats a tangent for another book.
But here I am, a week shy of 23 and on a flight to Beijing with someone who honestly, never even crossed my mind before the universe had our paths cross.
It seems like everyday I learn something new about life, about love, about myself.
It's the first time I've been so close but so detached from my heart. And even I'm surprised because he's a nice guy. Perhaps I've learned not to chase love and let love chase me? Every other time I've tried, crossed seas, moved to a different country - basically going all out - it's ended sooner or later. Is this not me? I always thought it was. The people who are close to me would tell you they no of no other, but time and space has changed my essence. And I'm now a new person.
Learning to enjoy the here and now instead of dreaming up a future fairytale tastes a little bitter once you've swallowed it but without doubt it saves you from enduring one rocky emotional roller coaster. Closing off a section of the ride doesn't mean you don't get the entire experience, it just means you have to ride along a few more times to get a V.I.P pass.
Have I become a true cynic to the ways of man-kind? Or is this just the path i'm meant to travel…alone?
Because love songs no longer hold depth, they no longer tug at my heart or paint a picture of anyone. They are empty and just sound like sad songs of a love I no longer know.
But here I am, a week shy of 23 and on a flight to Beijing with someone who honestly, never even crossed my mind before the universe had our paths cross.
It seems like everyday I learn something new about life, about love, about myself.
It's the first time I've been so close but so detached from my heart. And even I'm surprised because he's a nice guy. Perhaps I've learned not to chase love and let love chase me? Every other time I've tried, crossed seas, moved to a different country - basically going all out - it's ended sooner or later. Is this not me? I always thought it was. The people who are close to me would tell you they no of no other, but time and space has changed my essence. And I'm now a new person.
Learning to enjoy the here and now instead of dreaming up a future fairytale tastes a little bitter once you've swallowed it but without doubt it saves you from enduring one rocky emotional roller coaster. Closing off a section of the ride doesn't mean you don't get the entire experience, it just means you have to ride along a few more times to get a V.I.P pass.
Have I become a true cynic to the ways of man-kind? Or is this just the path i'm meant to travel…alone?
Because love songs no longer hold depth, they no longer tug at my heart or paint a picture of anyone. They are empty and just sound like sad songs of a love I no longer know.
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