The end of the beginning was was where i was standing. My relationship with Adrian was suppose to go to the next stage, we were engaged . Our puppy Mylo was almost a year old and we lived such a domestic life. We sincerely enjoyed our more than frequent nights at home, cooking, watching a movie, talking, and being in love. He was the one, the one i'd been looking for all my youthful 21 years. But who's to say at 21 you'll find the love of your life? I thought i had, and I knew I had! But as my mother said "Carmei, you're just in the moment". And she was right, again.
We met on vacation back in our home town of Penang. An Island in South East Asia where we both grew up. We'd met once through a friend when I was 14, and he was 19 and never saw each other again till the New Year season in early 2007. By then I was soon to turn 19 and he 24. The attraction was instantaneous and started dating straight off the bat, or in this case, the bed. I was living in Melbourne and had just finished the first year of my degree while he was in San Jose working as an engineer in Silicon Valley. We dated long distance for a few months before he decided to apply for graduate school in Melbourne to be closer to me. So close that we went to the same University and lived together from the moment he arrived. It was perfect. It was the kind of relationship every girl dreams about. An intelligent man, who is ambitious, polite, responsible, loyal, kind and always puts his family first. Not to mention he was tall, handsome, well built and had an attractive smile. Which woman would say no to a man like that? A man who only had eyes for you, would go out of his way to do anything for you? You can imagine what my friends said to me when I told them I was cheating on him.
First off, let me begin by saying that no one ever intends to cheat. It's not like I woke up one morning and decided that today's the day I'm going to cheat on my fiance. Like every cheater out there my defense is, it just happened! Well technically that's not true, because I do remember making a conscious and irrational decision just before it happened. Perhaps I was just horny? And taking into consideration all the trashy television I'd been watching during my oh-so domestic life, I felt I just needed some drama of my own. And to make things worse, the man, let me rephrase, the jerk I was committing adultery with was my ex. An ex that never wanted to be with me I might add, an ex that doesn't deserve a name at this point but for the record his name was Drew.
We dated for a couple of months before I met Adrian. Back then he had a girlfriend that he'd complain to me about and tell me how I made him feel special. Of course I believed him but when he didn't break up with his girlfriend, I was crushed. I was living a Hollywood reality show and I was the infamous other woman who was stupid enough to be talked into a secret "relationship" and the inverted commas are because I too am rolling my eyes. I got caught up in a whirlwind of drugs and parties just to forget how much pain, mainly rejection, I was feeling. I was still at that age when I believed the world should evolve around me and that I was queen of the world. After all, high school was like that. I was popular, everyone wanted to be my friend and I believed that anyone who talked trash about me was just jealous. So when Drew reappeared after 2 years, I needed to know if this time it'd be different and how else to find out but to rekindle the lustful flame we'd dimmed?
I'd graduated on time, 3 years without one hiccup, on track and happily engaged. My family came to Melbourne for my graduation and since I hadn't been home for a year, I flew back with them for a long awaited holiday. Adrian was in the final semester of his MBA and there was just no way he could have come with me. So he stayed to look after the dog.
My bags were packed and I wheeled it to the door in a hurry as my family were already walking down the hall to the lift, the taxi was waiting. We hugged each other just how we always do, with a comforting love that made you warm inside, knowing that there were many more to come. And as we stood there, he kissed my forehead as he always did and looked me in the eye and said "Make sure you come back" with a soft yet serious smile. Without a doubt in my mind I replied "Of course I'm coming back silly, where else would I go?" But Adrian was a smart man and perhaps slightly foresighted, either that or he jinxed it and he repeated himself "Make sure you come back, make sure you come home to me." I brushed it off as him just being funny, I kissed his lips, gave him a broad smile of excitement and dashed out the door. That was the last time we were in love.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
it's decided, go over the hills and far away.
Who am I? A truism known to all those who've ever felt lost, displaced and uncertain of path to take tomorrow. Oh how I envy those who've always known the directions of the yellow brick road, so confident of where it'll lead them and those who can even calculate when they'll arrive. I was never any good at Math or Science and I'd rather not mention History all together. So when I found myself prematurely at what I would call a quarter life crisis I was bewildered. I'd lost my sense of direction, I'd lost my map, everything that would help me get out of this over grown jungle that I'd unconsciously allowed to grow beneath my feet. I could have sworn my peers were here just a minute ago, perhaps a week ago? But there was no one. I was alone. How had my life overtaken me this fast? It was if I'd just woken up from a deep sleep to find that I was alone in the world. At least that's how I felt.
After graduation I had no professional bearings and I had no idea where to start looking. Should I get a job? My bank account indicated a clear Yes. But my mind was else where. Since I'd decided walking down the isle was as good as walking the plank (for now), I had no where else to go. This wasn't suppose to be the plan, this wasn't where I expected to be. And with no back-up plan, it wasn't long before I fell down the rabbit hole. Unlike Alice there was no white rabbit for me to be curious about, no shrinking potions to make me small enough to not have to deal with reality nor where there any cookies that would grant me the physical strength to outgrow my issues. I was as good as brain dead with a universe of emotions that shot through me like a meteor shower. I was never happy and rarely rational. This went on for a good month and as much as I tried to hide it, mother duck can always tell when her duckling is struggling, especially when it's struggling to stay alive.
It was that serious. I'd fallen into a zombie state of reality, smoking my troubled days away. And what better way to block out the nerve and memory receptors but weed? That's exactly how weak I was. I'd succumb to the lowest level of ignominy. Worthless on any account and by my families standards, I would have become an instant outcast. But I'd smoked my way through university yet I still somehow managed to graduated from the best journalism school in Melbourne. I'd slid under the radar so well that it'd become a way of life for me. Only this time I was abusing it beyond comprehension. I was doing it for all the wrong reasons, but of course at the time they seemed like all the right ones. Oh how youth truly is wasted on the young. And so I drowned my sorrows, worries, dilemmas and todays in a mist of smoke and a became pretty good at mindless video games. Still, my future wasn't looking bright and mother duck started to turn back and observe her ducking that was struggling to keep it's head above the water. Like any mother, she was worried. I come from a respectable family with a long history of teachers, scholars and successful business-minded folk. So there was no room for failure let alone an addict and professional bummer.
Not knowing what else to do, mother duck offered her duckling the opportunity to venture over the hills and far away.
"Why don't you take a year off?" she said.
I was instantly stunned and slightly confused but before I could even think about how amazing it would be to take an entire year off, I replied in my most humble state to ever overcome me. It was as if someone had just opened a shutter in my pitch-black confinement room of all torture and pain, someone was here to save me. And as I held my hand up to block the ray of light glaring into my deep lost eyes, I replied in the most humble and kitty eyed tone, "Really? You'd really let me do that?"
It'd been so long since I'd felt a glimmer of hope that I'd forgotten what it felt like to let someone reach out and pull you back up. I'd always been strong, my friends would call it stubborn and arrogant but in my current state, I was far from who I used to be, whoever that was. I was being given the chance to change my situation, to move forward in whichever direction I pleased, no pressure, no stress and to just take my time for me, all me. I was off to find the wizard, the wizard who I was convinced would give me all the answers I needed.
He goes by the name of Experience.
After graduation I had no professional bearings and I had no idea where to start looking. Should I get a job? My bank account indicated a clear Yes. But my mind was else where. Since I'd decided walking down the isle was as good as walking the plank (for now), I had no where else to go. This wasn't suppose to be the plan, this wasn't where I expected to be. And with no back-up plan, it wasn't long before I fell down the rabbit hole. Unlike Alice there was no white rabbit for me to be curious about, no shrinking potions to make me small enough to not have to deal with reality nor where there any cookies that would grant me the physical strength to outgrow my issues. I was as good as brain dead with a universe of emotions that shot through me like a meteor shower. I was never happy and rarely rational. This went on for a good month and as much as I tried to hide it, mother duck can always tell when her duckling is struggling, especially when it's struggling to stay alive.
It was that serious. I'd fallen into a zombie state of reality, smoking my troubled days away. And what better way to block out the nerve and memory receptors but weed? That's exactly how weak I was. I'd succumb to the lowest level of ignominy. Worthless on any account and by my families standards, I would have become an instant outcast. But I'd smoked my way through university yet I still somehow managed to graduated from the best journalism school in Melbourne. I'd slid under the radar so well that it'd become a way of life for me. Only this time I was abusing it beyond comprehension. I was doing it for all the wrong reasons, but of course at the time they seemed like all the right ones. Oh how youth truly is wasted on the young. And so I drowned my sorrows, worries, dilemmas and todays in a mist of smoke and a became pretty good at mindless video games. Still, my future wasn't looking bright and mother duck started to turn back and observe her ducking that was struggling to keep it's head above the water. Like any mother, she was worried. I come from a respectable family with a long history of teachers, scholars and successful business-minded folk. So there was no room for failure let alone an addict and professional bummer.
Not knowing what else to do, mother duck offered her duckling the opportunity to venture over the hills and far away.
"Why don't you take a year off?" she said.
I was instantly stunned and slightly confused but before I could even think about how amazing it would be to take an entire year off, I replied in my most humble state to ever overcome me. It was as if someone had just opened a shutter in my pitch-black confinement room of all torture and pain, someone was here to save me. And as I held my hand up to block the ray of light glaring into my deep lost eyes, I replied in the most humble and kitty eyed tone, "Really? You'd really let me do that?"
It'd been so long since I'd felt a glimmer of hope that I'd forgotten what it felt like to let someone reach out and pull you back up. I'd always been strong, my friends would call it stubborn and arrogant but in my current state, I was far from who I used to be, whoever that was. I was being given the chance to change my situation, to move forward in whichever direction I pleased, no pressure, no stress and to just take my time for me, all me. I was off to find the wizard, the wizard who I was convinced would give me all the answers I needed.
He goes by the name of Experience.
Monday, August 2, 2010
time said goodbye.
you look back at the future, the future that could have been your now. what am i talking about? i'm talking about a fuzzy but possible glimpse of what you might have now if you'd turned left instead of right. when you were standing at the fork, unsure of which way you should venture to. i look at your pictures, you seem so happy, you're always smiling and i really can't help but think of how instead of her it could have been me.
does she make your heart skip two beats at a time, does she make you believe in fairy tales and happily ever after? is she, could she...might she be 'the one'? I don't know and perhaps you don't either but what isn't a mystery is that i can see how truly happy you are and for that...i thank her. for bringing you sunny days, a warm bed, for giving you a loving smile in the morning and someone to hold your hand making you understand that this life is happier shared. i don't yearn to be your girl, but i do hope i'll always be in your dreams...and to me, that's enough. I'd rather be remembered for all the joy we grew together, all the hopeful zest of love we released into the world. we loved and we made love, a welded connection and for the short time we spent together, love undeniably kept us snug through chilly nights.
but if i could turn around, run back to your awaiting open arms to be greeted like we'd never parted...i wouldnt. for our time has passed and going back would only stall the work on the road i've already chosen. making U-turns only means I'm lost because I'd be going back over a year ago and it would take me too long to get back to where i am now and though i consistently say time is what i have - i really don't. i long for you and i long for a time when we were dear, but that time has been lost to memory where only in imagination and the banks of my history will it thrive and live a life of it's own till my memory no longer serves me.
we'll run on the beach, cuddle through the gusty winds of the city, steal kisses in the lift, hold hands and giggle to sweet nothings on the tram, we'll remember our imaginary children that in those moments we longed for and forever in the part of my heart that will always be yours...we'll live on.
does she make your heart skip two beats at a time, does she make you believe in fairy tales and happily ever after? is she, could she...might she be 'the one'? I don't know and perhaps you don't either but what isn't a mystery is that i can see how truly happy you are and for that...i thank her. for bringing you sunny days, a warm bed, for giving you a loving smile in the morning and someone to hold your hand making you understand that this life is happier shared. i don't yearn to be your girl, but i do hope i'll always be in your dreams...and to me, that's enough. I'd rather be remembered for all the joy we grew together, all the hopeful zest of love we released into the world. we loved and we made love, a welded connection and for the short time we spent together, love undeniably kept us snug through chilly nights.
but if i could turn around, run back to your awaiting open arms to be greeted like we'd never parted...i wouldnt. for our time has passed and going back would only stall the work on the road i've already chosen. making U-turns only means I'm lost because I'd be going back over a year ago and it would take me too long to get back to where i am now and though i consistently say time is what i have - i really don't. i long for you and i long for a time when we were dear, but that time has been lost to memory where only in imagination and the banks of my history will it thrive and live a life of it's own till my memory no longer serves me.
we'll run on the beach, cuddle through the gusty winds of the city, steal kisses in the lift, hold hands and giggle to sweet nothings on the tram, we'll remember our imaginary children that in those moments we longed for and forever in the part of my heart that will always be yours...we'll live on.
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