a dark night

 dear pete.

unfortunately i don't have any dreams to recite or hopes to share...but i must say...in my last few days of this current phase of my life, my thoughts of you have been far from few.

as the days pass uneventfully, they pass slow. i've had time to consciously reminisce the last few months, the great times i've had and revisited all the lessons i've learned.

this point in my life is short lived and a more of a pit stop than anything. i'm seated in a waiting room in front of a door that beholds my future.  it might sound absurd but there's something inside me that's telling me...this time it's different. that what awaits me on the other side is a completely different ball game. this level is over, and i'm waiting for the game to load. there really isn't much i can do...but prepare and just wait.  it's like i've come to the end of a great era in my life and what happens next is up to me to make it what it becomes. i wont hide behind my shadow, though that really is where i'm most comfortable. it's a part of me that knows how to push forward, my alter-ego thats anything but shy and where all my confidence comes from. but this time, it's going to be the next big change in my life..and as excited as i am to go...i'm also scared. i'm scared that i wont be good enough, i'm scared that i'll fail miserably and most of all i'm scared to lose who i am now.

it's so easy for you to think you know exactly who you are, so sure, so certain. but everyone has their moments where they just lose touch a little and crawl into a dark cave for the night, praying that in the morning the sun will shine brighter than it did in yesterdays before. perhaps this is just one of my pre-departure lessons. that it's okay to be nervous about the future?...because only when you're aware of your conscience do you start to realize that what's around the corner is important enough to be worried about. 

perhaps i'm just ranting, perhaps i'm just shooting blanks but perhaps this is the only way i can find out what's really going on in this head of mine. it's like when you read the papers or see an ad, you always think that because it's printed - that it's true or that it must be accurate. but most of the time we just think that because our conscience wouldn't let us write something misleading....because if it's written down for all to see...then it can't be a lie - who would do such an immoral thing? so when i write it down, it becomes my truth and it becomes my understanding.

as i read through the last few paragraphs that i've written here today, i realize i cannot send this as an email to you because i believe it is the truth and i'm ashamed at how weak i sound, how small i look and how human i am right now. i've been told to never show weakness, to never show too much or reveal more than necessary.

.....but right now, what i write is only the truth and for tonight, i cannot hide behind my shadow ...i cannot be who i am not.