Who am I? A truism known to all those who've ever felt lost, displaced and uncertain of path to take tomorrow. Oh how I envy those who've always known the directions of the yellow brick road, so confident of where it'll lead them and those who can even calculate when they'll arrive. I was never any good at Math or Science and I'd rather not mention History all together. So when I found myself prematurely at what I would call a quarter life crisis I was bewildered. I'd lost my sense of direction, I'd lost my map, everything that would help me get out of this over grown jungle that I'd unconsciously allowed to grow beneath my feet. I could have sworn my peers were here just a minute ago, perhaps a week ago? But there was no one. I was alone. How had my life overtaken me this fast? It was if I'd just woken up from a deep sleep to find that I was alone in the world. At least that's how I felt.
After graduation I had no professional bearings and I had no idea where to start looking. Should I get a job? My bank account indicated a clear Yes. But my mind was else where. Since I'd decided walking down the isle was as good as walking the plank (for now), I had no where else to go. This wasn't suppose to be the plan, this wasn't where I expected to be. And with no back-up plan, it wasn't long before I fell down the rabbit hole. Unlike Alice there was no white rabbit for me to be curious about, no shrinking potions to make me small enough to not have to deal with reality nor where there any cookies that would grant me the physical strength to outgrow my issues. I was as good as brain dead with a universe of emotions that shot through me like a meteor shower. I was never happy and rarely rational. This went on for a good month and as much as I tried to hide it, mother duck can always tell when her duckling is struggling, especially when it's struggling to stay alive.
It was that serious. I'd fallen into a zombie state of reality, smoking my troubled days away. And what better way to block out the nerve and memory receptors but weed? That's exactly how weak I was. I'd succumb to the lowest level of ignominy. Worthless on any account and by my families standards, I would have become an instant outcast. But I'd smoked my way through university yet I still somehow managed to graduated from the best journalism school in Melbourne. I'd slid under the radar so well that it'd become a way of life for me. Only this time I was abusing it beyond comprehension. I was doing it for all the wrong reasons, but of course at the time they seemed like all the right ones. Oh how youth truly is wasted on the young. And so I drowned my sorrows, worries, dilemmas and todays in a mist of smoke and a became pretty good at mindless video games. Still, my future wasn't looking bright and mother duck started to turn back and observe her ducking that was struggling to keep it's head above the water. Like any mother, she was worried. I come from a respectable family with a long history of teachers, scholars and successful business-minded folk. So there was no room for failure let alone an addict and professional bummer.
Not knowing what else to do, mother duck offered her duckling the opportunity to venture over the hills and far away.
"Why don't you take a year off?" she said.
I was instantly stunned and slightly confused but before I could even think about how amazing it would be to take an entire year off, I replied in my most humble state to ever overcome me. It was as if someone had just opened a shutter in my pitch-black confinement room of all torture and pain, someone was here to save me. And as I held my hand up to block the ray of light glaring into my deep lost eyes, I replied in the most humble and kitty eyed tone, "Really? You'd really let me do that?"
It'd been so long since I'd felt a glimmer of hope that I'd forgotten what it felt like to let someone reach out and pull you back up. I'd always been strong, my friends would call it stubborn and arrogant but in my current state, I was far from who I used to be, whoever that was. I was being given the chance to change my situation, to move forward in whichever direction I pleased, no pressure, no stress and to just take my time for me, all me. I was off to find the wizard, the wizard who I was convinced would give me all the answers I needed.
He goes by the name of Experience.
No comments:
Post a Comment