Chapter Shanghai

Everytime I'm down, everytime you're down....I reflect.

Reflect on what this is, reflect on what this isn't and what it will never be.

Isn't it ironic how it's always the cuts that hurt more than the joy that happiness brings? Is there a predisposition to how we measure the highs and lows? Or does the mind, the heart just react and feel differently towards the ultimate's of both ends of the ruler? How we feel the lows that it evokes a deeper sense of need to release a river, a track...a cookie trail of pain. Hoping someone will find us lost in the deep dark wood, bringing light to our long all-day nights. Or perhaps so that no one walks down the same path feeling the solitary breeze of emptiness?

I'm in the woods but I don't want a torch light, I don't want anyone to find me, I want to walk this journey alone.

My mind awakens from the daydream I'm so dazed in. She asks...why So dramatic? So personal? ....So emotional?

In defence, my much weaker heart replies, I merely write what pumps through my veins, what you know and what the mouth can't word.

It happens all the time, a conversation without words, but a flow of thick and thin, right and wrong, up and down, defense and acceptance, life and learn ....love and loss.

Today my ache is for a soul that I've found and will lose only too soon.

He's a strong part of the pieces I've met along the way...perhaps one of the biggest pieces of me that I've found. At a time in his life where he needed no one, where all he really needed was to be alone. Suffering from the loss of a love he ached from, I was just here to brighten his days. He could have done it without me, but could I have done it without him? The answer is, yes. We both could have done without each other...but would we have wanted to?

Sometimes it's better to have someone, than to have no one. In this case, we found temporary happiness in each other that will remain nestled in my heart and in my warm memories for a long time to come. To draw on during cold times, under rainy skies and when the winter seems too unbearable to face empty hearted.

He probably doesn't know the extend of the part he's played in my life.  He's shown me a side of myself that I really didn't think was strong enough to ever surface to a distinct trait that I actually believe is there now.

I've learned that the sea of love is rough and dangerous, but it can also be calm and safe - if you're a fish. There are undercurrents that pull us under before we can take a last breath. Catching you off guard and dragging you to the bottom of the ocean bed. There are sharks that will have no mercy for your hooked scars or weak fins. But then there are also calm motions of weightlessness that will carry you to a coral garden more beautiful that anything you could ever describe. And sometimes, if you just submit yourself to the waves...it might take you somewhere you could only dream of in a dream your imagination could never even begin to concoct.

Be open to the unknown, like pluto and like my found&lost soul says - it's only when you know that you know nothing that you actually know something.